Troubles McSteans

I've been in a funk all week. I wouldn't consider it feeling sorry for myself, because I try not to do that, but I kinda feel like if I look up I'll catch a glimpse of a tiny storm cloud hovering over my head. Wow, that really sounds like self pity, doesn't it. In attempting to clear away the cloud, I've been trying to pinpoint the source of my foul mood. I think part of it can be attributed to not enjoying this time of year. The holidays are over, it's very cold, and currently there is nothing on my calendar to look forward to. Also I miss my dog. Lots. The house seems so empty without him and I continue to expect to see him drowsily shuffling into the kitchen post-nap as he was wont to do. I'm trying to shift my attentions to Lucy, but she is (so to speak) not playing ball. I took her in the car to get coffee with me the other day, an activity Mel loved, and she cried the whole way. I try to give her goodnight hugs and she growls at me. Sweet as ...

For Christmas Ryan got me a little video camera. I love it. When Doug and Kristen were still in town we took them to the Austin Zoo. I took the opportunity to bring the camera for a test run. Here is a small sampling of our day. For those of you who live in Austin and have not yet visited the zoo, I highly recommend it. It's not expensive, nor is it an all day adventure, but they have an impressive collection of big cats you can view at incredibly close range.

I used to love watching the Oscars, Golden Globes, what have you. It was exciting to me to see what movies and performances I had loved over the past year get recognized. When we lived in an apartment and then a very small house, poor Ryan would have to suffer through (albeit rarely silently) as I would insist on staying up until the bitter end of the show, just to find out what won best picture - a piece of trivia I would be sure to forget within six months. There were always a few movies to pop up in November or December that could be labeled 'awards bait'. Miramax may have been the first to embrace this tactic, and it has become increasingly popular among movie studios. You release your movie at the end of the year, at times on December 31 in one or two theaters in Los Angeles, meeting the bare minimum requirement for eligibility. This way it won't have been out long enough to merit backlash and will be fresh on voters' minds. I understand this strategy - bravo...

Making good on my resolution to blog more. I'm currently on hold with [my secondary insurance company] as they valiantly try to figure out some bizzare charges from [my local hospital]. I already spent half an hour this morning on the phone with the primary insurance. This is how I end up not getting anything done. On the plus side, I actually located the property tax bill in the trashheap of paperwork cluttering my office and got it off in the mail yesterday, so I can cross something off of my list. Yays! Cassidy is staying with us while Jason has some foundation work done on his house, which has been good for Lucy. I just have to make sure they don't have too much fun trying to kill each other, otherwise Cassidy will be down to 2 legs. Going to collect Mel's ashes from the Animal Hospital today. We'll be spreading them at the Barton Creek spillover on Saturday at 11:30 for anyone who wants to join us. More about that on Ryan's blog .

I would like to say thank you for all of the support and kind words we have received. It helps immensely to hear from friends of Mel. I know he loved each and every one of you and would say thank you for each head scratch and every ball toss. It's been a rough week, though the tears are subsiding. Even when there are no tears I feel out of sorts, as though a part of me has gone missing. While I hate that Ryan is also suffering, it does help that he is going through this with me and we take turns crying on shoulders. Lucy is, in her own bizarrely special way, helping a lot. I started to break down the other night and she began nudging my back and whining. When I turned around she looked at me with her sweet brown eyes and said (in a voice that sounded surprisingly like Ryan's), "Momma, don't be sad". I immediately shut down the waterworks and went to give her a hug. Lucy doesn't understand what is going on, but she knows something is up. She's been ...

When I was a kid I was afraid of dogs. My only exposure to them included a yippy mutt who chased me on my way home from school every day, a friend's daschund who bit her dad's ear the first week they had it, and the menagerie of pooches housed down the street at the Kinslow's house I feared too much to get to know. (They were actually very nice dogs, I was just a wuss) I was always a cat person and got my first cat when I was eight after months of helping Doug badger my parents for a kitten. Our second cat came along eight years later when my dad decided Moki needed a friend. When Ryan and I moved into our first apartment post college we decided to adopt a kitten from the animal shelter. Ryan knew I was a cat lover and an apartment seemed better suited for cat than canine. Thus began the reign of Jeff the Cat. Melbotis came into the picture 4 months after our wedding and a few weeks after moving to our first house on Briar street. By this time I was no longer afraid...

You Are My Sunshine My only sunshine. You make me happy When skies are grey. You'll never know, dear, How much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away